Think Jews don't celebrate Sylvester? Think again

by Rabbi Ben Yovits
December 28, 2006


1 Jews do not celebrate New Year's Eve on December 31th. No siree, we have our own calendar, thank you. So what do we do in Israel? We have "Sylvester parties." The main theme is getting drunk all night, while criticizing other people's clothing: Did you see the leather belt on her? What does she think she is, 12? And not too skinny, mind you…

2 Every year there's a silent competition concerning "The Best Sylvester Party." Meaning, the one held by the biggest, glitziest zillionaire around. Everyone tries to snag an invitation, but wind up going to their cousin's party in Ramla (Which is the rough equivalent of Boise, Idaho).

3 Jews do not wish each other a Happy New Year. Instead, they mourn the loss of the last one: Wasn't it a good year? Wasn't it filled with joyous memories? Why did it pass so quickly? Maybe we're growing old… Pass the wine, I'm depressed as hell.

4 After the alcohol kicks in, it's time for making optimistic predictions about the coming year. For example: I'm telling you Shmuel, we'll be lucky to stand here next year. If the Iranians won't bomb us, the Syrians will. It's the end, I tell you, the end. Any wine left?

5 At that point everyone agrees it's best to leave Israel and move to Canada or Australia. No one does.

6 The next day at work, everyone pretends to have forgotten last night's party. Sylvester? Pah, we don't celebrate that in our house. My booby and I went straight to bed. Out like a light by 10 o'clock. It's a gentile custom, anyway. Why am I holding my head? My temples seem to be exploding…

7 And they make a solemn oath never to celebrate this "gentile custom" again. Never ever. The decision holds for 364 days.

Happy New Year all, don't drink and drive!