I've been listening to this for almost an hour...
Black cloud crossed my mind
Blue mist round my soul
Feel so suicidal
Even hate my rock and roll
Wanna die, yeah wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why
Yer Blues,
The Beatles
Since I tend to associate moments in my life with music, there's a great story that goes with this...
What a clever, clever girl she was, Mary Angel Phillips. I've been pretty much directionless for most of my life, evidenced by the long list of jobs I've held over the last 48 years, but fresh out of high school I could think of nothing to do but wander a bit. That's a fancy way of saying I had no direction. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, and truth is, I'm still a bit unclear about that-- I'm more than a bit Peter Pan-ish in that regard.
The morning after graduation in June of 1979, I was left, like so many others, with the question, "what now?" What do I do now? First things first, I spent five months in Arkansas. Lived in Prescott, worked in Hope-- no, I never saw Bill Clinton -- stringing cable with my uncle for a small outfit. That ended, and in under a year I was in Orlando for Navy Boot Camp. My thinking was: my father spent 20-plus years in the Air Force, the Navy should be a piece of cake. It wasn't. I should have went Air Force. In under a year I ended up off-shore in Louisiana and Texas working the Crew Boats through the winter months of 81-82. Six months later I'm back in Panama City. Some of that time spent on the boats I wrote some lyrics to which an acquaintance from High School later wrote a song... that I didn't much care for at the time. But long story short, I ended up back in school.
Gulf Coast Community College was boring, although I loved my drafting class, Descriptive Geometry. Cool stuff. Pre-AutoCad. But one thing the community college had that proved to be fun, and ultimately destructive, was fraternities.
Iota Gamma wasn't much of a Fraternity when I joined, though at one time it boasted a much higher class of student. All we did was party, drink beer, consume drugs, and worked only to perpetuate the cycle. Then she came along, miss Mary Angel Phillips.
Iota Gamma and the "other" fraternity on campus had what can only be described as a sub-membership, strictly female, called "little sisters". The membership process was viewed mostly as a way to have guaranteed, challenge-less dates. And because each girl required a "big brother" sponsor their "date-able" status were thusly prearranged. Mary Angel asked me to be her big brother, and I happily agreed.
One thing that we always did with our female pledges was give them impossible tasks, though nothing degrading. I remember I set her out to find my favorite song with but one clue... My mother's name is Earth.
She knew the answer in less that a day.
Turns out she called my real little sister, and asked her what my favorite group was. The Beatles. She then asked my sister to look in the album covers for lyrics. No luck. --for those of you who don't know, the White Album came with four color glossy photos of John, Paul, George, and Ringo, AND a poster which was printed on both sides. Side A was a collage of band images, and side B was a full listing of all the album's lyrics. I never displayed the poster with Side B, so I'm not sure what possessed my sister to take the poster down to see what was on the other side. Once she did that, that was the end of it... Mary Angel found my favorite song (at the time, Yer Blues). And she was not pleased. Not at all.
Yes I'm lonely
Wanna die
Yeah I'm lonely
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Ooooh, girl you know the reason why
She chased me harder than any girl I'd known or have known since. She's married now, to a very lucky man.
There are four songs indelibly linked with her in my mind.
Goody Two Shoes, and Strip - by Adam Ant, for reasons I'll not say.
Human Touch, by Rick Springfield for one line...
You know I got my walls,and All She Wants To Do Is Dance, by Don Henley
But Sally calls them prison cells
Wild-eyed pistol wavers
Who ain't afraid to die
All she wants to do is,
All she wants to do is dance
... and make romance
She was young, chatty, always smiling and full of life. I miss that a great deal these days.
But wouldn't you know it, just when I wasn't paying attention my mp3 player leaps to Houses by Great Northern [free download]. Oh, well... no song survives long without the heart's diligent care.
The end begins just as it starts,
And leaves me wondering what we left behind.
Told me not to talk but please explain
My thoughts that float around my mind...
Does it make sense? Perhaps, but likely only to me.
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You should have given Mary Angel a line from "Revolution #9". Those words weren't printed on the White Album poster. Or would that have been too cruel?
"I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, and truth is, I'm still a bit unclear about that..."
It's amazing how many people I know who feel that way (and I among them). I mean, I've always been known that I was to make music -- but God saw fit to give me talents, but also a progressive disability that would steal my ability to exercise (no pun intended) those talents. And I've been struggling to figure out what to do with that now. And I have several friends who say they still don't know what they want to do when they grow-up (and some are married with grown kids).
As in, Gladys Knight, and the...
Peter Pan isn't that bad; he always knew how to have fun.
My mind might be a bit foggy, but if I remember correctly... the "pursuit" went a bit the other way. But I always thought you had a very sweet smile!
And those Beatles songs rarely leave the girl looking "shall I say" upstanding and lady-like... Just my thoughts.
Surprise! I'm sure you never thought I would read this... amazing what you can come across with a little "googling".
I so hope you are doing great and have enjoyed your life!! You so deserve all the happiness in the world! You always had a good heart... sort of like Peter Pan!
I have journals full of letters to you. Hundreds of letters. I even started a blog to post them on, but I've been so busy. I add posts as I have time.
I remember one night after your final road trip. We went to Dan's for the party. When we arrived, you insisted I stay in the car with you. I wanted to party. And you said something to the effect that, if I chose the party I was losing you... and I chose to make the biggest mistake of my life.
I've often said since then that Iota Gamma was the biggest mistake of my life, but then had I not joined I'd not of met you. Still, Iota Gamma was a very bad decision. I am where I am today because of Iota Gamma, but also because of my personal weaknesses I allowed Iota Gamma to exploit.
There has rarely been a day I have not thought of you.
I hope you are well and happy. As I hope to be some day soon. Every woman I meet I can't help but compare them to the standard you laid in my heart so long ago-- no one has ever measured up. I know that's not fair to them, but there it is.
Let me say this. Things are looking up for me. I'm finally in a position that allows me to use the gifts God gave me. It has not made me rich, but I am learning to be happy; choosing to set aside regrets... most of them, but certainly not all.
Again, I wish you well. I hope you will drop in again on occasion, but try the other place. I don't come here much anymore.
Sad to admit, but the 3 months I was in IG was not a very "healthy" 3 months for me. I realized that, and quickly bailed. Chicken, probably...but healthier for me in the long run. There were some great people I met though! What was Dan's name anyway. That so rings a bell!!!
I can't say 27 years of time allows me a full and clear memory, but your "scene" sounds like a typical game. 17 year old girls, drama, and games usually run hand-in-hand. I am sorry for any unnecessary drama I caused. I never knew you were THAT interested. On the other hand, you were far better than anyone I would have deserved back then!
The Mary Angel you knew is far different from the one I have become (probably). I am sure time has also allowed you to create a magnificent person in your mind. (Hey, I've done it also!) Allow yourself to choose the qualities you don't want to live without. From there, embrace the woman God sends you. And don't be afraid to just "dive in". I know that is not like you, but stepping outside the box helps us grow. (As I see your little smirk!)
Fast forward to today: I always knew you had potential...if only you would believe, really believe in yourself! Furthermore, you have always had a pure heart; and I have always believed (still do) that there is a very special plan for you in this life!
I've read through many of your posts here, and see you still have that pure heart. Cautious still, but pure. BUT THE MUSIC! GESH! Freaked me out then...and still does! Let's find you a different genre...(a very loud laugh!)!
Regarding where you are in life. A life lived with regrets is always hard, but as long as you are alive and well...you can always move forward. You are only as happy as *YOU* allow yourself to be! As a friend in Grad School told me, "Kick the dirt from your feet, and don't look back." (I'm sure it was from the Bible) Do the same with your past decisions/mistakes. Then move on! You are so worth it!
Keep that Peter Pan heart! He defeated Captain Hook after all!
You can find the actual song here: http://www.klove.com/Music/Default.aspx
Let the Waters Rise by Mikeschair
Don’t know where to begin
It's like my worlds caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here
Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
but I am willing to go where You want me to
God I Trust You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will swim in the deep
Cuz you’ll be next to me
You’re in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
Your never out of reach
God You know where I’ve been
And You were there with me then
You were faithful before You’ll be faithful again
I’m holding Your hand
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I’m holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
Since I don't know how to post messages on the other site without the "technical internet stuff", I'll probably just be a "silent" lurker.
But then there your were. You will always be a muse for me. (several stories I've written have characters named either Angel or Angelina. And she is always the embodiment of you via the reflection I have of you in my minds eye.
Would you believe I rarely listen to the Beatles any more. Beach Boy, an awful lot... and others.
Finally, since you intend to just lurk about. Here is a poem I wrote for you some ten years ago...
For Mary Angel
She lives in my mind
In a world of stills;
Images shorn from the thread of time
That is what she is
A snapshot within my memory
Never fading, never changing
Who she was
And will never be again,
That star by which
My heart is led
Unreachable
Unattainable
~Unassailable memory
And the pattern of my life
Colored by a tender kiss
The taste of which
Has long since faded
---
I won't embarrass you further.
Are you still in Church? That's a loaded question, btw. What I'm really asking is will I see you again in the course of time everlasting?
Seriously, check out that website! Great music! Maybe you can get that station somewhere close to you!
BTW: Honored to have my own poem! Thought about publishing your work? Idea maybe...
I can't wait to find out how things go with the gal in your office!
Now, try that music!!!